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12:36pm 16/06/2004
 
mood: evil
This morning I am forced to wonder, gentle readers, if any of you have subjected yourselves to the miscarriage of good taste they're calling Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban? The movie version, I mean. My normal complaints about that Rowling woman's obvious prejudices and misrepresentations of evil aside, what on earth was that about? I permitted Josie and Larry to take a leave of absence from their normal duties to act as image consultants for the Dementors. And they really did do their best, but what sad, washed out, two-dimensional version there were on the screens. Where was the pathos, the angst, the posing in front of a full moon, the chilling dance of evil and corruption, and the copious amounts of blood? This is of course not a negative reflection upon my underlings, but the director for refusing to understand the inherent nobility of Ringwraiths, and thus all things derived from us. We have been robbed, gentle readers, yet again. I am peeved. Some day, I will have the backing necessary to make my own film, and then all shall understand, or face an unpleasant and as yet undecided fate.

And, by the way, does anyone know where on earth the haristylists for that hideous abortion of all things unholy managed to find a platinum blonde chichilla to glue on top of Mr. Felton's sainted noggin? Heads shall roll, I assure you.


Darling:

What do you think of the new Harry Potter movie? I personally think they hired your underlings to change their colours to grey and be Dementors for a while. Do you know anything of this blasphemy? I think I hear the beating stick coming out.

-Mrs. Saruman

Dear Pookie-bear:

How convenient, we seem to be thinking the same thing. My people only acted as image consultants (and uncredited ones, at that) and did not ever appear on screen. Having seen that abomination, I certainly can't say I'm said about it. I believe they garnered the extras for the Dementors from several different versions of A Christmas Carol, which implies quite a bit if you take my meaning. Though I've also heard a nasty rumor that they were actually just several pimply-faced interpretive dance students from one of the local community colleges, so take your pick. Either prospect is less than tasteful.

Stick nothing, I'm going directly for the Egg Beater of Severe Blunt Trauma.

Smoochies,
The Witch-King of Angmar
 
     

(6 rings | for Mortal Men doomed to die)

 
   
07:50am 12/02/2004
 
mood: evil
Dear Witch-King of Angmar,

Your evilness completely rules my world. Will you marry me? I'd love to live in Minas Morgul with you. Or anywhere else, for that matter.

Evilly yours,
Longingly Evil Single Female


Dear LESF:

My evilness, you are all crawling out of the woodwork, aren't you? Personally, I like the sound of having my own harem, but you'll probably have to fight it out with Mrs. Saruman in single combat over a pit of boiling sulfer or something similar. There are traditions to be respected in cases such as these, I should imagine.

...it's good to be the King.

I'm too sexy for my cloak,
The Witch-King of Angmar
 
     

(5 rings | for Mortal Men doomed to die)

 
   
07:48am 12/02/2004
 
mood: evil
You should hire me.

Resume:
-I have a vagina.
-It wants you.


...Do I have the job?

Signed,
Mrs. Saruman of the Many Colours

Dear Pookie-bear:

Done.

Love & Kisses,
The Witch-King of Angmar

PS: Eat it, Saruman. It's the gauntlets. Chicks dig the gauntlets.
 
     

(3 rings | for Mortal Men doomed to die)

 
   
06:59am 13/01/2004
 
mood: evil
WKoA,

To your Dark and Unholy Presence,

Two days ago during a small get together with myself and a thousand elves and humans, I was chance to see a smaller yet darker shadow prowling amongst the back of the bar called The Hobbit's Toe . Now, knowing that a movie is merely a story told by the winner and that you are still alive and well on your way to redemption from having been facially skewered, I was wondering if your band of nine had grown from it's previous number to include smaller versions or even these so called "chibi's" that the anime-viewing elves like to create. Now, as a Dark Lord myself, I cannot abide by this comical take on your lifestyle, but I did wonder what your views on this were. That and I also at the wonder of in the release of the ROTK special edition dvd, if there would be a alternate ending...the one where you chop off the head of that bitch, skewer that little munchkin on a pole and then rip Gandolf's head and play polo with the other riders. You know, the REAL ending. It saddens me how much the good side lies these days.

Also, if you could, send someone to pick up Bob from my dungeon cells. I'm tired of holding him over and his constant "Attica...Attica" screechings.

Yours truely,
The Dark One

P.S. - Love the guantlets....you and Darth Vader should do a talk show.

Dear TDO -

I certainly hope that Jackson will pull his head out of his arse when it comes to the special edition release. Trust me, I was less than pleased when I saw the theatrical version, since no one had told me how they were going to completely skip over the true story. (They did, in fact, interview me at one point to get my version. I probably shouldn't have bothered.)

I still ride with the nine, on occassion, and these days we go out for cricket as well every Saturday. I haven't hired any midgets recently, though Arthur did retire and I ended up giving in to the pressures of equal opportunity employment and hiring a woman in his place. (It's rather disturbing to realize that she's got curvey bits under the robes, but I must say that she's got a ruthless streak that occassionally leaves even me a bit shocked.) Evil should never be comical, in my opinion. Call me old school, but I've never found midgets particularly terrifying unless they're also wearing clown makeup, and that simply will not do for my group. So no, it wasn't one of mine; maybe it was just some perverted little halfling with a Nazgul fetish. (Now that's disturbing.) I'll have to look into it, and I can guarantee that heads will roll.

I had wondered what happened to Bob. I'll send one of the torturers 'round as soon as they return from market.

Thanks for letting me know, chum.
The Witch-King of Angmar

PS - We're in talks at the moment, though sometimes I'm wondering if it could possibly work out, as heavy breathing annoys me greatly. (The real reason I tortured Gollum, by the way. He sang like a bird right out of the gate, it was just the principle of the thing.) I like Darth, don't get me wrong, but the man needs to invest in nasal spray.
 
     

(4 rings | for Mortal Men doomed to die)

 
   
07:21am 05/01/2004
 
mood: evil
Dear Witch-King of Angmar:

I am what you'd call a "good girl," I suppose. But recently, I've been dreaming continuously of death and destruction. I can't seem to get the image of rivers of blood out of my head, and something inside calls me to strike out at the world. No traumatic event that might have triggered this reaction has occurred, to my knowledge. Any idea what's happening?

Respectfully yours,
Wondering in Willowbrook

P.S. If my passage into evil is inevitable, could you suggest survival strategies in this darkest of realms? I'd greatly appreciate it.


Dear WiW -

Really, I think you're looking at this all the wrong way. You seem to consider your inevitable descent into twisted violence and evil to be, well, a negative thing. I suppose I have to blame the bad press that's been given our side in the movies over anything else.

Damn you, George Lucas!

In my experience, wanting to commit mass murder and following it up with an iron-fisted reign of depraved terror is only a natural thing really, sort of like one's voice cracking during puberty. It just means you've managed to outgrow the pathetic, milky-eyed, mealy-mouthed idiocy of a world obsessed with the unrealistic concept of some sort of "good." So congratulations, you've taken the first step. Just sit back and enjoy the ride, and I'd suggest you take every opportunity to explore your own imaginings one your fellow mortals; experimentation at your stage of life is very important, I assure you.

If you're looking for a survival guide for the rank beginner of evil, I'd suggest either Evil For Dummies by Sith Lord Trevaris or What's Happening to My Sense of Morality: A Book For Girls by Lucrezia Borgia. I've been told they're excellent for young ladies looking to make a name for themselves in the ranks of evil.

Give me a call in a couple years, kid. I have a bad feeling about you. And in my business, that's a very good thing.

Best of luck,
The Witch-King of Angmar
 
     

(2 rings | for Mortal Men doomed to die)

 
   
07:49am 02/01/2004
 
mood: evil
WKoA,

Your Evilness,

If you are in need of more competent underlings, perhaps you might hire me? My evilness is only second to your own, as is my deadliness in asassination and success in interrogation of prisoners. I could probably even capture the white wizard that masturbates alot, and procure even the most intimate details of his plans to destroy the 1 ring we seek.

With Sincerity,

Alex the Dark Mercenary, the Tenth Ringwraith

Dear AtDM:

I have my doubts, considering you were willing to act as a minion for a paltry kilo of gold. Talk about pricing yourself short. When I initially signed my contract, I asked for hundreds of blood-soaked virgins, commemorative bottles of alcohol, my own elf pool boy complete with gold lame speedo, a company beast to ride, my own castle, and the pretty, shiny ring that I'd noticed Sauron playing with. Though upon sober reflection, the last on the list probably wasn't the best idea I'd ever had.

Send me a resume, and make it bad. Very, very bad.

Your prospective yet unconvinced employer,
The Witch-King of Angmar
 
     

(4 rings | for Mortal Men doomed to die)

 
   
07:16am 30/12/2003
 
mood: evil
O Witch King of Angmar, First among the ringwraths and soon to be First among the lowly creatures of Middle Earth,

I wish to scare the bloody hell out of my friends by dressing up as you, and I have even found a spell to make my voice sound exactly like yours. I wish to know, where do you get your crown, black robe, etc.?

-Alex the Mercenary

P.S. You said Gandalf masturbates earlier, he's waaaay to old for that, knowing how he is, his meat and two vegs are shriveled up more than he is!


Dear AtM -

Most of my armor is supplied by Infernal Accoutrements, Inc. It's a small, local shop that sits at the foot of Mt. Doom, right next to the Lava Flow of Gingivitis. The boys there are good enough to give me a small discount, as they all used to be implement smiths in my department before they decided to go indie. What can I say, it pays to be an evil boss that's willing to overlook corruption.

Unfortunately, you probably won't be able to go to their shop, and I doubt they would replicate the custom jobs they do for yours truly. So, given my bout of supreme boredom at the moment, I decided to check around and see if there's anywhere you can get similar things, though at a lower cost than your immortal soul.

The Clandestine Armoury seems the best place to go, if you've got the money and the guts for it. They have some lovely replicas - nothing I would actually enter battle with, but it looks rather nice. I may have to give their name to Infernal Accoutrements, Inc and let them fight it out.

Sideshow Collectibles, Inc has a nice array of toys - I believe they're the distributors for Weta. Which is alright, if you're into that sort of thing.

My cloak is another custom job, which was made for me by thirteen virgin elves (and you have NO idea how hard they are to find - the damn things screw like lemmings) that I blinded, corrupted, and enslaved. You could probably do a decent replica if you bought a nice set of black robes from Ralph Lauren (and if you see Gandalf there, give him a wave) as long as you take off the fru-fru edging and go through a couple battles with them. Or you could just make your own if you've got a sewing machine and a bolt of halfway decent black cloth.

I hope that has helped you. If not, I really don't care, as I have places to go and elves to torture.

Best of luck,
The Witch-King of Angmar

PS - I wouldn't necessarily say that. If you listen to the scuttlebut around the Shire (which we had to, since we were looking for that damn Baggins) then he's quite the stallion. But take that as you will, since this is a bunch of little halflings we're talking about.
 
     

(5 rings | for Mortal Men doomed to die)

 
   
07:30am 29/12/2003
 
mood: evil
Dear Witch-King of Angmar,

Any ideas as to where I can find any efficient minion? I was forced to slaughter most of mine, the idiotic sods. The old torturer couldn't even inflict pain properly. (I didn't hire him.) Though he did get very well introduced to the art form by yours truly. The only thing the bloke could do right was psychological torture, don't ask, I did and I still regret it. Don't think I'm some lazy bitch of a ruler, because I'm not. I love hearing the screams of pain from my victims, as well as the smell of fear and blood but, I'm a busy Queen. I'm out ruling 10 of the major hells, 6 minor hells, striking fear in the hearts of in bravest of souls, and causing chaos on earth, while my lout of a husband gets all the credit. There are days when I think I should have listened to mother and married a Champion of Good, thank Hell I didn't. What's the best way you can think of to off an immortal?

Annoyed Ruler of the Fiery Pits of Hell

PS Where can I get high quality torture implements? A stupid minion ruined the old set.


Dear ARFPH -

Well, first off, I'd recommend against doing an open call for torturers. You wouldn't believe some of the utter freaks that show up to those. I'd recommend that you contact the Temp Agency of the Damned. They tend to be a bit higher quality than their contemporaries, and temps are nice and disposable. You can try them out and terminate either them or their contract when you're done if they've upset you. On a side note, they're also great for file clerks, and most of their manacle polishers can make a decent cup of coffee if asked.

You don't need to tell me about getting no credit while doing all the legwork. I'm all too familiar with that syndrome. I sympathize, trust me.

There is no best way in particular to off an immortal. You have to tailor those deaths, which can be quite fun on occassion but also incredibly annoying if the immortal in question has a complex or difficult to deal with weakness. For example, if you're dealing with Sauron, all you have to do is let him be so utterly lame that he lets a couple of bloody hobbits chuck his ring into a volcano right under his nose. Hopefully your husband will be equally easy to deal with. Just make certain to keep your own weakness under wraps, or things could get embarassing. (I tell you, if you want to avoid that particular mistake, stay away from the punch bowl at the annual Istari New Year's Eve party and Snog-Fest.)

Best of luck to you,
The Witch-King of Angmar
 
     

(for Mortal Men doomed to die)

 
   
12:09pm 15/12/2003
 
mood: evil
My Lord, I do not mean any disrespect, but I believe that your thought on Osama Bin Laden are wrong.
I believe the TRUE disguised ringwraith would be an annoying idiot by the name of George Bush. He is doing quite a good job of destroying innocent lives in a place called Iraq.

Your masked servant.


I don't think you could be more mistaken if you tried. My underlings are pure evil, thank you kindly, not merely annoying. Mr. Bush doesn't have the style necessary to feed his enemies feet first through an industrial plastic shredder as they scream for mercy, or commit mass executions via hanging in the national football stadium for crimes such as the wearing of nail polish or being female and capable of reading. Come on, I mean, really. He hasn't even buried political dissenters in mass graves! He lets people walk around and call him names without smiting them with the national guard! I bet he's never even tortured a dog for wetting on his carpet.

...what a pussy.

Sincerely,
The Witch-King of Angmar
 
     

(5 rings | for Mortal Men doomed to die)

 
Memo   
01:56pm 11/10/2003
 
mood: evil
To: Ring Wraith #8 ("Larry")
From: The Witch-King of Angmar ("Your Boss")
Subject: Enough if Enough

You should have known you couldn't hide it forever, Larry, and I must say that I am extremely disappointed in you. You know that when you signed the contract to become a wraith, there was a clause specifically forbidding the taking of a job concurrent with this one.

Well, someone finally showed me the newspaper. Very funny, Larry. And I do mean "funny" in the opposite sense of the word. You ought to have known I would see through your ruse immediately. I am, however, a very forgiving boss, and this is your first offense.

So, "Saddam" I expect you to report to the Torturer's Guild Hall immediately to face the stated punishments for a first-time breach of contract. And get rid of that ridiculous rubber mask - I've no idea where you found something so shoddily made.

And really, to be beaten by the goody-goodies and their idiotic "Knight in shining armor" complex? I really thought I had trained you better than that. If you can't even moonlight effectively, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Signed,
The Witch-King of Angmar
 
     

(14 rings | for Mortal Men doomed to die)

 
   
10:51pm 07/09/2003
 
mood: Evil
A little present from Murasaki99:

View HereCollapse )

Many thanks. It's nice to know that there are those that appreciate my...finer attributes. It has certainly improved upon my day; three hours of listening to Sauron attempt to play solitare is enough to make anyone wish for the world to be overrun with fluffy bunnies.
 
     

(6 rings | for Mortal Men doomed to die)

 
Work in progress...   
06:09pm 01/07/2003
 
mood: Evil
There once was a Witch-King, Angmar
Whose evil soon set the new par
All knew without question
And only gentle "suggestion"
He was to be the world's most heinous star.

And then was his boss, dumb Sauron
Who always gets everything wrong
Whining day and night
Running from each fight
Under that armor, I wager he's blonde.
 
     

(1 ring | for Mortal Men doomed to die)

 
   
06:42am 26/06/2003
 
mood: Evil
Greetings Your Evilness,

An age or two ago, a bunch of mortals with little better to do than hang around on alt.fan.tolkien were discussing possible casting options for the forthcoming movies about your career. There was some suggestion that your esteemed employer should be played by the human Keannu Reeves. The irreverent suggested that a shot of Sauron with a slightly glazed expression and spouting forth the expletive 'Whoah' as those filthy halflings succeeded in throwing their lacky and the One Ring down the Crack of Doom would be most amusing. There was also further talk of his Awfulness referring to the Master beyond the Gates of the World, by the obscure title 'Dude' should a film ever be made of the earlier wars between terrible beings such as yourself and the elves and men.

I was hoping to know your thoughts on that idea.

Your admirer,

The Shadow Queen

Dear TSQ -

...actually, it sounds like the foolish mortals you speak of have actually met Sauron.

On second thought, you're quite right, it would never work. Mr. Reeves isn't nearly whiney enough, and he looks a great deal better in PVC. Rowr. I also imagine that he pays his staff well. Just to fill you in, Sauron's exact thought at the situation you describe was: "Oh poopie." Personally, if they are to make a historical film at all, they should get it right and put me in the lead, preferrably played by someone who looks dead sexy in leather pants. (Any suggestions, gentle readers?)

It is quite a chore to be both the brawn of an operation and the brains behind the figurehead, let me assure you. It tends to make one somewhat bitter and jaded. But what can I say, at least we have a decent dental plan now.

Yours,
The Witch-King of Angmar
 
     

(9 rings | for Mortal Men doomed to die)

 
Order of the Phoenix Predictions   
05:37pm 20/06/2003
 
mood: Evil
It seems that everyone is doing this, and who am I to argue. I refuse to be left behind in any trend - I will show the lowly worms in the papers and on the net how evil does things properly. Especially now, on the eve of the release of the book that will forever prejudice a generation of children toward evil.

I suppose it's a misrepresentation to call this a list of predictions. A more accurate summation would be "OotP Predictions in a world where that Rowling woman had got it right and realized that Evil is the ultimate and mandated winner". I don't know where she got this ridiculous idea about Good, but I'm certain George Lucas and his damn Star Wars movies are to blame.

- Vernon Dursley will choke on his own spleen and die when the next door neighbor's baby's first words are "Fuck off you fat bastard." Dudley, upon realizing that he hasn't eaten in at least seven minutes, will consume his father and promptly run mad, a human victim of that Cow Disease. A crack team of biologists will be dispatched from the London Zoo as he rampages through the suburbs; they ultimately tranquilize him and send him to Sudan, which they believe to be his natural habitat.

- Petunia will get therapy and a decent hairstyle, then marry a jelly salesmen who is a Satanist in his spare time. They spend the rest of their days schlepping evil jams in the suburbs.

- There will be many occurences of the words "the", "and", "a", and "about". I should also think we'll hear the names "Harry", "Ron", "Hermione" and "Dumbledore" far too often for our personal comfort.

- Remus Lupin will reappear and dress in a sexy little blue number for a top secret cross-dressing mission in which he will impersonate a cabaret girl. Hopefully he will have acquired better robes and a bikini wax by then. His act will be joined by Sirius Black, who does a nice rendition of Devil in a Blue Dress.

- The students will rebel and set fire to the Great Hall when the new Australian Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher attempts to force them to eat vegemite on their morning toast.

- Harry will spend most of the book with big teary eyes and will break down weeping at least twice because he is, in fact, a soppy little girl's blouse.

- The Transvestite Division, First Brigade of the Dark Lord's army will put in an appearence and spend eight sizzling pages explaining why they are, in fact, too sexy for just about anything you can think up.

- The Weasleys will suddenly realise that they all look and act alike, and that they cannot, in fact, tell each other apart. They disappear in confusion, trying to sort things out by freckle pattern and number until they realize that none of them can, in fact, count higher than ten. During that time, Fred and George, the only mildly intelligent ones, will realize that Evil is a much more profitable endeavor than trying to impress girls by being well-meaning and poor, and join the Dark Lord's forces as weapons designers. Their first invention, the Flatulizer, is greeted as a resounding success by the Dark Forces, who find disabling their enemies with extremely bad intestinal gas before killing them to be quite amusing.

- Lucius Malfoy will really loosen up and get funky, switching from beating his servants with a stick to much higher quality hand plaited leather cat-o-nine-tails.

- Ron Weasley, after being upstaged by his two alleged best friends for the thirty-eighth time, will realize that red hair goes great with black robes and join his brothers in the ranks of the Dark Forces, where he spends the rest of his time constantly beating Wormtail at chess and making him cry like the wet girl he is.

- The House Elves will disappear entirely, kidnapped as a species by George Lucas and forced to appear in the next Star Wars film, in which they somehow defeat the Imperial army while armed with nothing but melon slices and twine. This is put down to George Lucas being an insane child who should not be allowed to write his own scripts.

- Hermione will open her Arithmancy text at precisely the wrong celestial moment and cause a gateway to the seventeen major hells and the twenty-six minor ones to appear. Shortly thereafter, she will be eaten by her own book, which yums down her homework for desert.

- Cornelius Fudge, mid-sentence, will spontaneously combust and disappear in a cloud of concentrated fatuous gittiness that shocks even Dumbledore with its magnitude.

- An unidentified creature that bears a striking resemblance to a baby Cthulhu will crawl from Hagrid's beard and consume half of Hufflepuff house before turning on Rubeus and driving him mad.

- Draco Malfoy will be promoted to the status of Lord Voldemort's Head Towel Boy and spend the rest of the book running about in nothing but a gold lame speedo. Rowr.

- Professor Snape will choose sides once and for all, upping the sexy bitch quotient of the Dark Lord's forces by a staggering 7% by grace of his voice alone. He spends the rest of the story running about in leather pants and a mesh shirt, mostly because that's what I wish to see. Rowr.

And lastly:

- Harry Potter will finally come to the understanding that he's a pathetic, snotty little git that everyone likes only because he's the title character. Lord Voldemort, the true hero of the story, will strike while Harry is frozen by the realization, ripping out his heart and eating it left ventricle first. And there is much rejoicing.

And that concludes our walk down the creative hallways of my powers of prediction. I hope you all enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.
 
     

(4 rings | for Mortal Men doomed to die)

 
X-Men   
09:48am 05/06/2003
 
mood: Evil
You must have been annoyed by the hint that Jean Grey survived.

How do you feel about "homo superior" for mutants? Isn't "homo sapiens" vainglorious enough?

I rather fancy Professor X. There are so many fun things you can do with a telepath. Unfortunately, he doesn't seem a likely candidate for seduction to the pleasures of the dark.

I Was Too Lazy To Sign My Name

Dear IWTLTSMN -

The lengths to which humans will go in order to make themselves feel important never ceases to amaze me. Homo Superior my sainted arse. They're just humans that have learnt a few shoddy tricks, for evils' sake! I mean really, you give a man the ability to be the world's largest refridgerator magnet and it goes straight to his head.

You want superior? I'll give you superior! Superior is working a thankless job for eternity, riding stinky hellbeasts and getting saddle sores in places not even customs men dare to probe, chasing the four smallest beings imaginable across Middle Earth, and constantly harrying the pathetic forces of light while at the same time constantly listening to your boss whine, playing nursemaid to your eight incompetent minions, and maintaining your certifications as expert swordsman, evil enchanter, and crossword puzzle champion!

Whoa there, big guy. Take a deep breath. Okay.

I'm actually not that annoyed by the survival of Jean Grey. You see, I have read the comics. I know what will hopefully be coming, and it is my fond wish that this time, they'll get it right and she won't get over being Dark. Professor X leaves me rather cold, but I have never been impressed by the powers of telepathy, or, more importantly, baldness. Now, give me Wolverine any day in that little black leather number...

Rowr.

And that, as they say, is that,
The Witch-King of Angmar
 
     

(3 rings | for Mortal Men doomed to die)

 
More on hair   
09:35am 05/06/2003
 
mood: Evil
Is it true that Saruman shaved those elves' hair off afterward and used their tresses to stuff his padded footstools?

Also, I have heard a rumor that Elves who fall in battle are trabsformed into Smurfs, Garden Gnomes, Lawn Fairies, Dreamsicles [those chubby cherubs with the straw-and-posy wreaths], or Precious Moments figurines. Can you substantiate this? On the one hand, it would be fun to buy a bunch and smash them, on the other hand, wouldn't it be more evil to leave those snobs to their ludicrous fate?

My Laugh is Reasonably Evil

Dear MLIRE -

While Saruman did indeed shave every lock from the heads of those snarky elves, the footstool rumor is erronious. He actually put the hair to good use by having his slaves weave it into bath towels and polishing cloths. Elf hair is not necessarily soft, but it seems to give everything it touches a sort of extra bright (if somewhat limp wristed) shine. Personally, I think he was also rather amused by the thought of his guests drying their bottoms on elf hair.

The second rumor you've given voice to is, however, correct. Elves never are quite the same the second time around; they tend to diminish and go from being beautiful and a bit flamboyant to saccharine and downright annoying. If I were you, and I truly wished to torment these lessened goody-goodies (which I'm sure we all wish to do) I would gather as many of these figurines as possible and leave them in a room where there is an endless loop of the Lord of the Rings movies playing. If you wish to move from torment to torture, only show them the scenes that involve elves. Lastly, clean them monthly with a weak detergent solution and a soft cloth, to ensure that your captives are in good health and more than capable of pondering what they've lost as they stare at Legolas' tight rear end.

Best of luck,
The Witch-King of Angmar
 
     

(2 rings | for Mortal Men doomed to die)

 
Shudder   
02:21pm 03/06/2003
 
mood: Amused, but in an evil fashion
"Wormtail" and "Wormtongue" do lend themselves to disgustingly evil thoughts. Fortunately, the slash fanfic writers seem to be avoiding this combination.

My Laugh is Reasonably Evil


Dear MLIRE -

Oh my, that was startingly repulsive - how refreshing. I will not think further on this subject, however; as much as I believe that there is love available for any (often at reasonable prices), some should never see the light of day. Or, as the above would exemplify, even the dark of the blackest moonless midnight.

I believe that is quite nearly "Squick" worthy,
The Witch-King of Angmar
 
     

(17 rings | for Mortal Men doomed to die)

 
Robe Maintenance   
01:37pm 03/06/2003
 
mood: Evil
To iron the wrinkles in your best robe? Sprinkle them with the Screaming Ashes of Victims Trapped in the Unendurable Moment of Their Death. Not only would they add to your Grand Entrance, but they have the most delightful way of falling off, leaving a most hideous calling card for those unfortunate enough to find what's left of those on whom you have visited your Fearsome Wrath. I know that the screams would be but sweet music to *your* ears.

You will, of course, carve your name in the remaining lumps of flesh. It wouldn't do to have those fools attribute your vengeance to that ridiculous upstart Riddle fellow.

My Laugh is Reasonably Evil

Dear MLIRE -

Screaming Ashes, hmmm? Ah, the new products come out so quickly these days that I can't even keep up with them! I will look into this immediately - I'm always up for something that will add to my entrance. Though I do have to say, I think spatters of blood on wall, floor, and ceiling while there is not anything identifiable as a corpse in sight is still my favorite calling card. And it leaves behind that lovely scent to. Fear and blood, what could be better?

I'm half tempted to allow that little Riddle maggot to have his war on the Wizarding World, and then step in and squash him like an insect beneath my heel once he's finished the main job for me. It would seem an efficient use of resources.

Thank you,
The Witch-King of Angmar
 
     

(for Mortal Men doomed to die)

 
Shopping   
01:18pm 03/06/2003
 
mood: Evil
The ENCYCLOPEDIA OF WITCHCRAFT AND DEMONOLOGY has so many interesting explanations on various forms of torture, but I find them sadly lacking when it comes to the proper materials for construction. Would you recommend Torquemada & Legree's Outlet as a source? I feel like a spot of strappado.

My Laugh is Reasonably Evil

Dear MLIRE -

An excellent choice! I doubt that you truly need my aide at all, but I will try to help. It's always nice to see the younger generation (and, mind you, everyone is of a younger generation than me except for Sauron) take an interest in the art. Torquemada & Legree's is a very old and respected emporium, and I would definitely urge you to make them your first stop. I would also recommend Vlad's Olde Variety Shoppe (though I warn you, he will want payment in blood, though not necessarily yours), Jack's Hardware Emporium of Torment and General Unpleasantness, and Lestrange, Lestrange & Mullin: Purveyors of Fine Implements. I know that our head customer service representative particularly likes their fire iron; he says they're nicely balanced.

Oh yes, and as a final note, I would recommend that you avoid Lucretia's Liquid Delights if you pass by the mall food court. I haven't heard anything as of yet, but Madam Lucretia smiles constantly, and you know what that usually means.

Enjoy your shopping,
The Witch-King of Angmar
 
     

(1 ring | for Mortal Men doomed to die)

 
You're Welcome   
06:31am 14/03/2003
 
mood: Evil
This is once again Palantir chick.

I'm registered at Abyssmal Outlet Mall, and the stainless steel thumbscrews sound quite nice.

Thanks,
Finally Happy With Saruman

Dear FHWS -

Ah, smashing. The next time we run by the mall for uniforms (which ought to be soon, ours are getting a bit ratty) we'll take a look at the registry. And everyone does, indeed, need a good set of thumb screws. I'll have Timmy wrap them nicely for you.

Happy Days!
The Witch-King of Angmar
 
     

(1 ring | for Mortal Men doomed to die)